Hiding Behind My Shame

Five years ago, life gave me more than I could handle and I broke. Mentally, emotionally and physically, I broke. Just…snapped, like a twig off a tree in a windstorm. By the end of that horrid October day in the emergency room, I’d committed myself to the psych ward. I now had a scar on my otherwise perfect permanent record.

My family knew about the breakdown, of course, as many of them had witnessed it, or saw it coming, or waited with me in the hospital until a room became available. Some close friends and neighbors knew, and pretty much everyone’s been great about it, although some tend to treat me like bone china. Or they ignore talk of it altogether.

But it changed me in some subtle and some not-so-subtle ways. When that crack opened up in me, some long-repressed emotions leaked out, and like trying to re-fold a map, I’ve been having trouble tucking everything back in neatly. And maybe I don’t want to tuck them back in. Maybe I like those tender areas, maybe they like sticking out there, breathing, feeling the fresh air and sunshine on their faces. Maybe it’s the chrysalis I’ve been hatching in…maybe I’m ready to shake out my damp, cramped wings and fly.

One problem, however.

I’m not over it, yet. Even five years later, I still at times feel deeply ashamed of what happened, and feel like people can see that shame written in large letters all over my face. This feeling is triggered when I’m in large group situations, and when I meet new people. Especially when I have to speak in front of a group, or when I’m interviewing for a job.

On Monday I’m interviewing for a teaching position. Talk about a double-fisted trigger! For one, I haven’t had a face-to-face interview in four years. (Most of my work is done over the web.) And public speaking? I gave one horrific presentation last year, and I was so nervous I wanted to die of embarrassment. And…teaching??? Yes, I know I have a lot I could share with people, it’s a great opportunity and I need the money, but it’s the “people” part that’s freaking me out.

I’ve been on PNN for a while. I know a lot of you and I know how wonderful, beautiful, witty, inspirational and supportive you are. So I could really use a bunch of hugs right now. Please? Before I eat an entire bag of chocolate chips and lapse into a coma?